Antonio! And a life-changing face

I was on the exercise bike at the gym and the litany of thoughts was circulating: “I hate the weather today.” “I don’t like that girl over there.” “I wish my body were (fill in the blank).” 

I looked up at one of the bank of TV screens flashing news, sports, culture and mayhem and I saw “NFL something something” and I thought “What now?” I saw the name “Antonio” on the screen; somebody named Antonio was going to be interviewed.

I was tired in that moment of seeing the yuck in everything, in  the weather, in people, in institutions and all of a sudden: “Wait a minute. I like the name ‘Antonio.’” 

Antonio’s face popped up and it was indeed likable, bright and beautiful and punctuated by a huge smile. 

In the midst of this bank of stupid TVs, in the midst of this dreary day, in the midst of this confusing life, was a beautiful face named Antonio. 

I decided in that moment that I could find the Antonio in everything. 

It’s important to put this in context, to note that this comes after years of self-reflection and life education, beginning with childhood that set me up to be an ever-cheery savior.

I had for many of my early years laid cheerful on top of everything. This was my job. If I was not happy, I was invisible. 

As a self-aware, thinking adult, then (in therapy), I came to realize, I needed to look deeply at what I had been hiding, the ugliness that is part of the human condition, the sadness inside myself, the dark side of the moon. 

This I did for years, in therapy and out.

But then at some point, just in these last couple of months, I’d gotten tired of this. I realize now it's because I was done with this phase.  I even quit traditional therapy, telling my therapist I was tired of seeing the dark, the sad and the fixable in everything.

This was a few weeks ago. I wasn’t sure what was to come next. 

Here is where I was sitting as I saw the face of Antonio. 

I tried this on for the rest of the day and then on into the week. I called Antonio into other places and moments, when I got a parking ticket or ran into somebody I didn’t have time to talk to at the store. 

I realized, just like that, instead of grumble, grumble, grumble, I could shift my day just by shifting my perspective.

This is not positive thinking.

Doesn’t make the ticket go away. I still have to figure out how to take care of myself in uncomfortable socials situations.

It is simply seeing something on top of. It is seeing light instead of dark as the umbrella. It is shifting the paradigm overlay. It is the lens through which I can choose to look.

Funny how this works: I have been much happier.

(Who is Antonio, by the way? I found out yesterday from a friend who used to live in Pittsburg that Antonio is likely Antonio Brown of the Steelers; she said he’d been in the news recently. “Oh please tell me he didn’t do something awful!” I moaned. Thankfully, it seems only that he is considering leaving the Steelers, and he's doing so respectfully.)

Sorry, Steelers, but thanks, Antonio!

And that's my truth.